I recently came across a certain news piece that began with the sentence: “A man has had a heart attack … while eating at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.” Given the name of the restaurant, one might be forgiven for wondering why this would qualify as news, given the deadly intent of the restaurant is so clearly signposted.
The victim was eating the 6000-calorie Triple Bypass Burger – 6000 calories being more than 3 times an average adult’s daily food requirement – when he began exhibiting symptoms of the medical emergency from which the restaurant takes its name. That in fact is a lightweight burger, dwarfed by the Heart Attack Grill’s ultimate meal, the 8-patty Octuple Bypass Burger, which has enough calories to feed an average man for 12 days! (Side of Flatliner Fries optional). Customers, known as ‘patients’ are served by underdressed waitresses, known as ‘nurses’ in the Heart Attack Grill ‘restaurant’.
“It was no joke,” the restaurateur who calls himself “Doctor Jon” was quoted as saying. Funny that – it certainly seems like it’s supposed to be a joke, given the whole premise of the restaurant is to laugh in the face of both nutritional guidelines and death. If a real doctor was serving ‘patients’ burgers with 4 beef patties and 8 slices of cheese, with a side of fries (deep-fried in pure lard), vodka butterfat shakes, and cigarettes (yes, they really do sell cigarettes), he probably needs to be assessed for signs of psychopathy.
According to ‘Dr Jon’, when the customer started exhibiting symptoms of a heart attack “one of the nurses came back to me and said, ‘Dr. Jon, we’ve got a patient who’s in trouble'”. At least that is reassuring. These sound like exactly the kind of experienced medical professionals you’d want around in an emergency.
The man was taken to hospital by paramedics, but his condition was not disclosed. Dr Jon said he felt “horrible” for the man, and was quoted as saying “even with our own morbid sense of humour, we would never pull a stunt like that”. Yes, of course, they never intended any connection to be drawn between their heart attack themed burgers and actual heart attacks. I’m sure the names are purely coincidental. I’m guessing they never even considered that quadruple-decker 10,000 calorie burgers could cause heart attacks.
In fairness to the restaurant, they are a charitable institution, offering free meals to all people who weigh over 159 kilograms. This is clearly a selfless institution. Because otherwise they have a terrible business model, considering most of their customers will surely be over that weight threshold soon enough.
And don’t worry – the Heart Attack Grill also shares the community’s concern about health and nutrition. They even have a ‘diet program’ on their website. It states:
“NO MORE YO-YO EFFECT! Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That’s why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope. OVER 350 POUNDS? EAT FOR FREE!”
See?! “Doctors agree”!! You just can’t argue with that logic.